I have tried Every thing I could find. Online, in books. We had chore charts, chore chart iphone apps. We used jars and marbles to track when the kids were good or bad. I put in place a rotating chore schedule. None of that worked for me, because it was too much work to keep it in place, and follow through on rewards or punishments.
I have an entirely new way. It is working great, because there is NO work on my part. We had to change the way we looked at rewards vs. punishments, and rules vs. responsibilities.
We had rules, and you would be punished for breaking them. No Dessert, no tv for a weekend, something like that. Now all those things are considered “benefits.” The benefits available to you. But each person has “Responsibilities.” Things they are responsible for doing/ handling. If they don’t keep up with their responsibilities, the answer is no. No, you cannot have a cookie. No, you cannot watch T.V. No, you cannot go outside. No, You cannot have friends over.
My oldest child is 11, and the youngest is 1 (born 2003, and 2013). I can’t pile 100 rules and responsibilities on them, or me. Their Responsibilities are:
1. Your Room. (keep your room picked up).
2. Your Hygiene (Brush your teeth, hair, take a shower)
3. Your Homework
4. Your Dishes – rinse any dish you use, and put it in the sink.
5. Your Job
They are supposed to “Take responsibility” for these things. They shouldn’t have to be constantly reminded to do them. Though at first they do. Anytime they ask for anything, I ask if their responsibilities are handled. I don’t police them, and go around everyday and make sure this is done. I do point them out if I happen to see them neglected. But I can guarantee my children ask for things everyday, so I don’t have to police them. When they ask to go outside, I run down the list, if all their responsibilities are handled, my answer is yes, if not, the answer is no.
A quick note about the showers. My girls are expected to take a shower at least every 2 days. I don’t make them take a shower at 6 so they can go outside, so as long as they had a shower in the last 48 hours, they are ok.
Each one of them also has a permanent chore, to help out at home. I picked chores that make the biggest difference for me, and that they can do without any assistance.
The Chores are:
Age 11 – take the laundry downstairs and sort it. She has to do this everyday, but only takes her about 5 minutes. But believe me, keeping the dirty laundry downstairs and sorted keeps the clutter down.
Age 9 – Put away the clean dishes. She doesn’t have to wash them, or collect them, or rinse them. But if there are clean dishes in the dish rack, or dish washer, she has to put them away.
Age 7 – Clean the table. He has to make sure that the table stays cleared and wiped off. He is doing the best job of this.
Age 4 – Pick up the baby toys in the living room. My 1 year old has a small toy box in the living room. If she gets anything out, He will have to pick it up and put it in her toy box.
The baby doesn’t have a chore yet.
The second phase of our family harmony is RULES. You have to have rules. But we only have 3 rules. Very simple basic rules. Valuable for life. General life rules. They are:
1. Pick up after yourself
2. Show respect
3. No food outside of the kitchen. (not really a life rule, but necessary at my house).
These are so generalized, but easy to remember. You don’t leave your shoes in the living room. You don’t leave your clothes on the bathroom floor.
You show respect to other people, their things, and the wishes of your parents. If you use my things without asking, that is not showing respect. If you are fighting, or saying mean things to each other, that is not showing respect.
These simple rules do not mean they don’t have to do anything else. If I ask them to do something, I expect them to do it. Set the table, put your clean laundry away, get the baby dressed, help out in the yard. There are many other things that everyone has to pitch in with to make a family work, but there is no reason to load them down with any additional responsibilities.
If they break a rule, they have to do a cleaning duty. I use an iphone app, Home Routines http://www.homeroutines.com/ and used suggestions I found at fly lady http://flylady.net/ , to set up zones, and other little jobs that get overlooked. Below is a screen print of my app. This weeks zone is the bathroom and my bedroom. You can see a few of the little things I will assign if you break any of the 3 rules. As I assign a job, it gets a star, so I know what has been done. It does take some time to get this app set up with the things applicable to your house, but it comes with some already in it, you just need to tweak it.
We have been doing this for about 3 weeks. I had started out with jobs on a slip of paper to be picked out of a jar, but my bathroom sink got cleaned out 3 times in one weekend, so I had to start assigning the jobs.
I also have read to a younger sibling, and a few free passes. Each child can have 1 free pass per week right now.
I hope you find this helpful. There is a way that works for you. Find it. Scour the internet. Try it out, and make adjustments as you go along.
